


Breaking

by DRHPaints



Category: American (US) Actor RPF, Bill Hader - Fandom, Bill Hader RPF, Saturday Night Live, Saturday Night Live RPF, Saturday Night Live Sketches, US Comedians RPF
Genre: Backstage, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Hollywood Dish, Mutual Pining, One Shot, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:41:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26739025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DRHPaints/pseuds/DRHPaints
Summary: After doing one of their ‘Hollywood Dish’ sketches together, Bill goes back to Kristen’s dressing room to help her clean up and they discover their long-held attraction for one another.
Relationships: Bill Hader/Kristen Wiig
Kudos: 13





	Breaking

**Author's Note:**

> Requested by soggybucket on tumblr. Hope you enjoy!

Taking their seats across from Scarlett Johansson, Bill smoothed over his suit and looked to Kristen in the form-fitting white dress, trying to contain his excitement. Bill loved doing the _Hollywood Dish_ sketches. Not only because inhabiting the skin of a smarmy, ass-kissing, celebrity gossip host was amusing, but because working with Kristen was ridiculously entertaining.

Often the two of them would launch into their Brady and Anastasia voices, criticizing the coffee in the break room ( _Is this creamer non-fat? No? What kind of an establishment are we running here? I only drink organic milk squeezed from infant chinchillas and strained through lace)_ or jokingly commenting on a castmate’s outfit ( _That t-shirt? With_ those _shoes?)_ Until Bill and Kristen found themselves falling against one another in mirth, tears leaking from her eyes as Bill’s body folded over in giggles.

As their ‘interview’ with Scarlett began, Kristen found herself trying to one up Bill on the insane faces they made in reaction to Scarlett’s answers. But as he morphed from hysterical enthusiasm to trembling fear, Kristen knew it was a lost cause, still unable to fathom half the things Bill managed to do with his visage. Kristen always thought, with his chiseled features and cobalt eyes that never held a hint of malice, that Bill was handsome, but the way he managed to distort himself could be downright upsetting and it tickled her every time.

Approaching the climax of the interview, Kristen looked at Scarlett, fake smile plastered on her face. “Tell us, how excited are you for the next, and probably final, season of _The Jersey Shore?”_

As Bill raised the red slurpee to his lips, cheeks gradually filling with the icy liquid, he could sense the titters on the edge of his consciousness. _Bill, hold it together, man._

Scarlett replied that she never saw the show before and, poising himself near Kristen, Bill spit the entirety of his mouth’s contents directly into her face, her eyes scrunching and a smile playing over her full lips as she winced away from him. For a split second, Bill thought he might be able to handle the image of Kristen sitting beside him, dripping while the audience laughed, but when Scarlett piped up, saying she simply didn’t watch much reality TV, Bill knew it was over. Grabbing Kristen’s cup, Bill dumped the freezing innards over her head before snatching an off camera bowl of meatballs and doing the same, only to leave the white bowl resting over her eyes.

Even with her vision obscured, Kristen knew Bill was losing it. It was inevitable. Unfortunately, when it happened Bill often possessed shame, confessing to Kristen early on in their friendship that his anxiety, laughing on camera being only one of the ways it manifested, made him feel he was bad at his job. Kristen would try to reassure him, try to tell Bill how fantastic a performer he was, how deeply everyone admired him, but shooting his fists towards the floor in a nervous gesture and pacing, she worried Bill couldn’t absorb her words.

Tipping back the bowl so Kristen could see, Bill delicately brushed back the soaked bangs of her wig to clear her left eye, and the fact that Kristen’s slender, lovely form also shook with glee helped him relax. Bill desperately tried to hoist a look of shocked outrage onto his face, but the hilarity caused his light pink lips to fold and he tried to reset again and again, not quite managing.

Kristen could barely deliver her line asking Scarlett about her skin care routine, voice wavering, but she knew the end was near and fisted her fingers in an attempt to hold on.

Moments later, Kristen and Bill hurriedly stood from their chairs and were replaced by two pillows, faces painted on them and bearing a ‘Back in Five Minutes’ sign as laughter burst from them in the wings, Bill removing the bowl from Kristen’s head and setting it on a nearby table.

Droplets of sugary crimson falling from her, Kristen and Bill watched as they rolled the outro, filmed earlier as there was no way they could get Kristen cleaned up and into a new dress in time otherwise. Observing, Kristen once again found her eyes trailing over Bill’s broad shoulders and narrow hips on the screen as the tight black vest over the matching pants, button up, and tie flattered his tall form.

“Oh man, I really got you.” Bill giggled as an assistant held out a towel. Grabbing it, Bill gave Kristen a perfunctory swipe and patted her shoulder. “C’mon, let’s get you cleaned up.”

Following Kristen down the hall, they went into her dressing room and Bill shook out the towel, immediately folding it over her face in a moment of mock-smothering.

“ _Argh! Bill!_ ” Kristen playfully smacked his arm when he released her and Bill giggled.

Pulling the drenched mop that was her blonde wig off Kristen’s scalp and letting it plop to the floor, Bill shook his head, chuckling. “Sorry.”

Bill began gently cleaning her, large terrycloth-covered hand swiping over Kristen’s shoulder, her neck, her face as his sapphire eyes took in Kristen’s appearance and more giggles squeaked out.

“I knew we weren't going to make it through that one.” Smirking, Bill rubbed Kristen’s cold ear between his thumb and forefinger. “Then again, do I ever?” Bill rolled his eyes at himself and Kristen saw his nose flare a little, muscle in his sharp jaw flickering.

“Hey,” Touching his arm, Kristen grinned. “I cracked, too. Plus,” Kristen shrugged. “At least your laugh is cute. When I get going I look like an idiot.” Doing an exaggerated version of her own laugh, Kristen closed her eyes and opened her mouth wide, face stretched and odd as she clutched her chest in mock delight.

Giggling, Bill shook his head as the fingers holding the towel slowly trailed down the side of Kristen’s face. “Your laugh is cute, too.”

Oceanic eyes stared. Curvaceous lips parted. A stuttered breath. A twitch of the fingers. A buoyant silence possessing five year’s worth of unspoken words, accidental touches, and cautious half-glances inflated between them. As Kristen and Bill did so many times before, their gaze locked, tension in every arch and curve of their features as they waited for the punchline to drop.

Colliding, their mouths mashed together, hungry hands roaming, grabbing, squeezing as Bill backed Kristen up against the wall. Licking into each other’s mouths as though they were dependent on one another for oxygen, Bill massaged Kristen’s breast over the sticky, now-pink dress as she plucked the wig from his head, burying her fingers in Bill’s chestnut locks and tossing a leg around his waist. 

Big hands bunched her skirt up as Bill insistently ground himself into her warmth, Kristen mewling appreciatively as the stiff erection below Bill’s black slacks dug into her.

Fumbling, Bill discovered the leggings Kristen wore beneath the dress and tried to pull them down, but Kristen placed a hand on his chest. “Hang on.” Bending over she tried unzipping the black heels as Bill’s hands roamed over her back, her arms, her ass, but, foot stuck, Kristen stood up against the wall with an aggravated sigh. “Just…” Touching Bill’s face, Kristen shook her head. “Just fucking rip them.”

Bill nodded hastily, taking the waistband in his hands and, with one swift motion, wrenched them in half. Hooking his fingers underneath Kristen’s thigh, he lifted her around his torso once more, mouths fusing together.

Pushing her panties aside, Bill’s lengthy fingers easily found Kristen’s clit among the slickness, spinning over her urgently. After years of imagining this moment, seeing Kristen’s slender, smiling frame walk the halls of the studio, guiltily shifting his eyes whenever she wore a particularly revealing garment for a sketch, Bill fervently wanted to absorb the experience, inhale her, make it last.

But his body had other plans as Kristen’s nimble fingers undid Bill’s belt and zipper, pants pooling at his ankles with a push as she snuck her hand into his boxers and claimed his thick cock. 

Frenzied wrists and needy mouths combined to fill Kristen’s dressing room with their breathy moans before she took the tendrils at the base of Bill’s neck, meeting his lust-laden dark blue eyes. “Fuck me.”

Shoving his boxers down, the wide head of Bill’s cock kissed her entrance as he searched Kristen’s face. Giving him a nod, Bill sheathed himself to the hilt and Kristen released a gasp at the stretch. 

For a long time Kristen wondered what it might be like to be with Bill. To drape her arms around those expansive shoulders, to have Bill’s mouth, who’s crooked, goofy grin delighted her so, moving across her flesh as his arms held her near. An anxious man by nature, Kristen thought Bill would perhaps be timid, the kind of guy who, though they respond well to direction, wouldn’t make the first move or take control.

But as Bill pounded her into the wall, thumb racing over her swollen clit as Kristen placed her mouth against his neck to smother the sounds of her ecstasy, she found herself dead wrong. 

“ _Oh fuck! Yes! Kristen, you feel so good!_ ” Bill’s other hand kneaded her ass as he drove into her, Kristen’s body fluttering around him.

“ _Bill! Yes! Fuck me! Bill!_ ” Hips humping frenetically, Kristen’s fingers scrambled over his broad back as his lips dragged briefly over the skin of her neck before Bill rested their foreheads together.

“ _Kristen! Yeah! Fuck! Yes!—“_

_”Bill! I’m gonna cum! Fuck! Fuck!—“_

Breath held and pulsing rapidly, the only sound in the room was made by the clapping of their erratically moving bodies before Kristen tightened forcefully, shrieking into Bill’s shirt and clawing at him, body quaking and eyes rolling.

Exploding at the sudden increase in pressure, Bill whined, scrubbing Kristen up and down the wall as his warm cum drained.

Bill and Kristen sank into one another, arms weary and breathing shallow as Bill caught her lips. Haze of their desire passed, their mouths knit with languor, tongues creeping, exploring, searching as Bill cradled her blonde head and Kristen’s arms locked around him.

After a couple of minutes, Bill leaned away, smiling and combing back Kristen’s hair. “I’ve wanted to do that for so long.”

“Me too.” Kristen grinned, polishing his prominent cheekbone. “And hey,” She smirked, giving Bill’s cheek an adoring pinch. “You got through it without laughing.”

Closing his eyes, Bill’s high, melodious giggle broke out again and he gave Kristen’s waist a squeeze. “For once.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read. If you enjoyed this story, please leave a comment or come say hi on tumblr at fandomtransmandom. I also take requests!


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